Weekend!

Finally! The weekend has come and i got to stay at home for good. For the past 2 months i've been out and about during weekends, so i didn't get enough rest t start off a new week but my mind was recharged, so it's basically the same thing.

And, actually today i still have a date with my high school friend to watch the Gema Cipta at Recital Hall, but i'm too lazy to go out. Can i just stay at home and read? I haven't decided to go or not yet and i hoped she forgot about this little reunion. Yes, i know i am mean but someone has a responsibility.

I woke up this morning and my hand automatically starts reaching for the broom and other cleaning supplies. For the whole 3 hours i was cleaning the entire house and then i cooked lunch, complete my lab report and just chilling by the couch. It was middle evening when is saw this beautiful sunrays coming from my room. So calming, so serene, so summery but i failed to take a good picture of it.. Will do better next time.

Well, hello there..

I forgot this page has even existed until i search ELISA for my Medical Immunology assignment and these came out! Luckily it's still working and i don't know if i'm much better at writing than before or worse. Anyway it's 2016 and i'm a senior in university. A lot of things has changed for the past 2 years. Mainly, I CHANGED actually which is good. 

I'm thinking of starting again with this one with a whole new mindset HOPEFULLY :) But, currently my life is pretty busy with assignments, final year project and my labworks. So, this has to wait for a while. But, i'll come back though..PROMISE!!

Until then, i'm continuing my 2 assignments which is due tomorrow and the one that i neglect for several minutes. I'LL BE BACK!!!

Conflicts within arises

Remember I said I'll write ASAP? Well, I didn't know it was this soon. First thing first, did you like my new font at my previous post? I was just experimenting and will keep on until my blog turned upside down!

Okay! Issues within myself. I don't know where to start actually. Lately, I wasn't the happiest person in the world that what I was doing all these years weren't right and I was totally lost.I WAS lost but i didn't know i was and whether I still am or not. From I was small, I've always been the brightest in the family that I was sponsored to high school and following with my double excellent exams results, the expectations on me was getting higher and higher. I was determined to make my parents proud. Being so naive at that time I chose Pure Science out of my mum and brother's suggestion instead of what I wanted to do at first (Arts Stream). I said to myself, I wanted to be a fashion designer and I can already picture how I'm gonna do it. Unfortunately, thing went completely opposite of it should be, I went for Pure Science Stream.

 Confused. Burdened.

It's okay! I'll get straight A's, further studies, be a doctor or whatsoever, and do fashion business. All that innocent plans I made, I thought it'll last as long as I wanted to. Until, at one point, I was really unhappy with my life already. I applied various science related courses for university but although I'll manage to enroll in one, I still can't picture myself being 'someone' in that field. 

There were lots of times I questioned myself, 'Do you really love being a dentist?', 'Will you do well in these courses?' or 'What if you can't stand everything?' I was pressured with my own thinking. Self-evaluation they said. 

I wanted to cry, let it all out but I can't because cry doesn't mean anything when no one hears your weeps.
I wanted to scream, but I'll disturb others.
I wanted to cursed, but cursing also doesn't mean anything but making you look like a fool.
I wanted to talk, but no one in this house will ever understand what I truly want and why.
I wanted to blurt it all to my friends, but at this times when we all didn't see each other, I thought back who were my real friends? Most are living their life and with their own sets of friends.
So, I kept quiet.

And to be really honest, I never felt smart enough in Science class. I didn't even do well in college! I should be able to! I tried so hard in every aspects of my life. Keeping my family happy, excelling in studies, losing weight. I tried so hard being everybody bestfriends and be friendly and patient but at the end nothing turns to be good. My parents quarrell everyday and my mum always said how annoying dad is to me most of the time until I grew disliking to my own dad. I sacrificed most of my time doing revisions and assignments yet my grades still levels as before. I never lose weight after 5 years of trying. No one sticks with me being even my closest friend that I can talk about anything. I'm tired of being nice.At last I gave up.

I'm so stressed out. I felt life was meaningless. Even think of hurting myself. For most of the days, I was a robot. I did every tasks and chores without thinking much. My head was blank. All I see was just a mere blank space. I'm so tired of responding to anything my mum said. I just kept quiet and I slept a lot. Seems like I'm angry but I tried to minimize my time with my parents since there were just 3 of us.

I didn't know when or how I rise slowly from my much dead condition. I seriously gave up everything that being nice before and start chasing my dreams. Using MY WAYS. I still pretty much dead now, all I can feel is hatred, sorrow and tiredness but one thing I'm sure is, I'm taking steps for making my soul happy. Eventually, I felt better. I'm looking forward to be in full self-confidence later.

So, the point is, it is important to do what will make your soul happy because you didn't know when you'll get enough and being miserable. Let it, making your first step to chase your dreams or doing something you absolutely enjoys.Think it through, picture it and don't let go! That's what I taught myself recently.And ALWAYS be true to yourself.

Cheers and Be Blessed!:)

Keepin' Up With Elisa

For the past months that i've been gone there's certainly so much going on with the world and myself. I broke my fingers on my writing hand a couple of weeks before my finals, graduated from college with a generous pointer or CGPA and currently i'm unemployed.

Well, don't get me wrong people! I am not a lazy person okay. I helped my mum to bake buns and muffins for small business and hence a little money complete with full access of wi-fi, free food and a place to stay. Oh, plus no transportation fees required because i worked at home. And also maybe some upcoming teaching part-time where they charged RM50 per day. I couldn't ask for more.

Alright, once again, don't be stunned i broke my fingers before finals. I accidently fell TWICE! during taekwondo training. At first i just thought it was just some normal bruises that i put cold pack on it but JUST 2 weeks ago i only knew that my fingers broke. But, the doctor said it was okay the bones are connecting back. I was so grateful i managed writing for finals eventhough it hurts. And my handwriting became stylishly italic. I can't serve a volleyball for a meantime or play sports, (I guess i'm gonna give it a rest for months maybe?) and practically my grip aren't feeling that good UNTIL NOW!Not to worry, it'll heal (I hope so.)

There were some interviews i've attended for the past holiday one for Shell's scholarship and the other was Dentistry. I did my best with full confidence i portrayed and hoped i'll land on some university place in September. Oh yeah, i got new phone. My first smartphone ever! Which is late for any teenagers out there. I know, i understand my family's circumstances and i have my own reasons. Hope it's not too late to keep up with all the latest apps and games and whatever in its case.

Yeah, YOU and I knew FIFA is going hot right now in Brazil. But the thing is I'm not thaaat into football and lately i've been in some problems too. Hence, no attentions given to FIFA, (Sorry,guys!). Yes, talk about problems, I've been having conflicts within myself. Issues that will be a whole another 4 pages for YOU to read. So, i guess i'll be writing anytime soon in the next post. I hope you all didn't get tired or bored of me. 

Cheers! and Be Blessed!:)

x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!

My outfit to Christmas morning mass. It's not winter here in my country, we only have rainy season these time of the year. Eventhough no white snow to play snow fights or snow angels, I still have the feeling of Christmas here.. It's chilling here with all those cold water and weather I think it's enough. So i didn't wear sweater or thick clothes. Many people were in the church to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus. After mass family and I went for lunch together. It was rare to gather in the festive season for the six of us. Fortunately, although it was only a lunch, we manage to get together. The bad news was, no pictures were taken because i forgot my camera.

 For us Christians the true meaning of Christmas is that our Saviour had been born to the world and become human. Not just partying about. Not getting drunk and all.
Before this i was all that not really related to true Christmas, but lately someone had taught me something really valueable lesson. Now i know that Christians symbol is fish because in the Scripture, our Lord gave His thousands of  people fishes and breads to eat. Shows how great is Jesus, not only then , but now and forever. 

And also the crib where Jesus was born is our decoration. When you sat alone watching at the crib, of course the most thing you realize is Jesus lying on the hay. But, it's not just that. Joseph, Mary, the shepherds, the kings, cows, and the sheeps completes all of it. For me, it symbolises love but there is sure a deeper meaning above it all.

I am so grateful finally i have realized the true meaning of Christmas. Jesus has come to save us all. Furthernore, this year a Christmas mass isn't just an ordinary mass to be attended but a journey full of meaning. Jesus has come to my heart and I believe that. I am full of joy.

Therefore, my friend, will you open your heart to Jesus or will you say "DON'T DISTURB"?

**HAVE A BLESSED CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR FAMILY**
GOD BLESS US :)

Life is short

Today i attended my grandaddy's funeral. He died of an old age of 84 years old. Mum was so sad and so all of our relatives. 

I can't believe that just about 4 days ago we visited him and now i already paid my last respect to him. How fast is the time goes. When he lived with us, when he still can walk, when he still can eat by himself and walk around the house, it just felt like yesterday. He had a half stroke and was laid on his bed for months before he passed away and my mum and my uncle Charles took turns to take care of him when he was alive.

I called my grandaddy "kake" in our language. He likes to chew on betel leaves,tobacco, and "pinang" (areca nut).

I still remember one morning he asked for my help to get some betel leaves from our neighbour and i was annoyed with him because before that there were many times already he asked me that. With so many house chores, i gave him excuses to finish my chores first then i'll attend to him. After hours he asked me again. "Li, ongoiyo da daing hilo d Katirin" (Li,go and take betel leaves from Catherine-neighbour) Yet i still didn't attend to him and gave excuse. This time i lied, "I've knocked on their door already, there's no people,maybe in the evening i'll check again okay?" However, i never did went to our neighbour and days just passed. I never give him his betel leaves.

When i went to uncle's house to visit his body yesterday, i felt some kind of feelings. Guilty, regret, sad and hurt. I'm hurt to see him laying there and at the same time recalled my wrongdoings to him. How i never wanted to have even a smallest talk with him. How i kept on annoyed with him because he's old and acted elderly. How i hesitate to clean his mess and everything i felt before, it all came back to me. He is just so lonely.

I really wanted to cry on the spot but i don't know which ego of me holding it back and to be strong. Part of me said to myself, "Be strong, don't cry. DO NOT CRY!" and i didn't and part of it just want to cry. I really didn't,only before they nailed the coffin i can't hold it back. My tears running down my cheeks like it couldn't stop.

All the way to the cemetery, i thought of, how life is too short for us. It was like yesterday you're this kind of people that can walk around enjoying the day and the next day you're dead. And  i was thinking that everything in most of us do in our life are only to satisfy our living needs. Just to get on our life. We are busting ourselves to get excellent result so we can get scholarship, get job, find partner and get married. Then, the children came along and then we get old and eventually we die and that's it. Life is meaningless like that.

'Every cloud has it's silver lining'

From aki's funeral, i learned something valuable. In life,we musn't chase things that only satisfy ourselves and only makes us happy. It's crucial that everyone around you are happy as well. And to have real faith in God that believing that dying is just the beginning of an eternal life. Also, not to neglect our loved ones. To show them how much we loved them and meant to us as long as we can and everything because we don't know when are they going to leave us. To be grateful to God because we've given chance to breathe again into another new day. To live our life to the fullest. And to ready ourselves for our own time to come.

Being sad is just the little things in our lives and as time goes by, our heart will heal. All we can do is to pray for aki that he'll be placed among the holy people in the heaven with God. We all loved you so much aki, we all do.

 R.I.P

Francis@Matigal Paladin (aki)

Beloved aki

 

 

 

Quarter of the family and relatives

Dated myself for a day..Wee~

Yes!Finally i get to go out from the house..Yay!!It felt like forever since i went out.With all the assignments, chores to do and helping my mum bake buns, my holiday drifted just like that. I didn't even start studying for next semester. Anyway,i had an awesome(well, at least for me) ME time today at the mall. No boyfriend, no girlfriends, no fussy, alone anyone but me. And...I even arrived at the mall as early as the 9am,see how excited i was?Unfortunately, the shops weren't open until 11am..T.T I should've run around the mall creating havoc if it wasn't my flat are killing me.

So, today i shop for long pants. My pants tore like so big the last time i wore it. Tried to sew it but really cannot be rescued. *Laughs

Seriously in need of some colour and here are some i've tried on. Really comfy and it's such a great deal. Only RM19.90 (Brands Outlet)

See that flat over there?That one really kill my feet and my feet felt wet of my sweat inside it. I bought a pair of that sandals because i really need a change of taste. Hope i won't get blisters on it.:)

 

Ta daa!!

 

Uh huh..Some pictures. That is so plain me taking pictures in the fitting room. Need to entertain myself.

 

 

Which one is better?Pants or skirt?