Conflicts within arises

Remember I said I'll write ASAP? Well, I didn't know it was this soon. First thing first, did you like my new font at my previous post? I was just experimenting and will keep on until my blog turned upside down!

Okay! Issues within myself. I don't know where to start actually. Lately, I wasn't the happiest person in the world that what I was doing all these years weren't right and I was totally lost.I WAS lost but i didn't know i was and whether I still am or not. From I was small, I've always been the brightest in the family that I was sponsored to high school and following with my double excellent exams results, the expectations on me was getting higher and higher. I was determined to make my parents proud. Being so naive at that time I chose Pure Science out of my mum and brother's suggestion instead of what I wanted to do at first (Arts Stream). I said to myself, I wanted to be a fashion designer and I can already picture how I'm gonna do it. Unfortunately, thing went completely opposite of it should be, I went for Pure Science Stream.

 Confused. Burdened.

It's okay! I'll get straight A's, further studies, be a doctor or whatsoever, and do fashion business. All that innocent plans I made, I thought it'll last as long as I wanted to. Until, at one point, I was really unhappy with my life already. I applied various science related courses for university but although I'll manage to enroll in one, I still can't picture myself being 'someone' in that field. 

There were lots of times I questioned myself, 'Do you really love being a dentist?', 'Will you do well in these courses?' or 'What if you can't stand everything?' I was pressured with my own thinking. Self-evaluation they said. 

I wanted to cry, let it all out but I can't because cry doesn't mean anything when no one hears your weeps.
I wanted to scream, but I'll disturb others.
I wanted to cursed, but cursing also doesn't mean anything but making you look like a fool.
I wanted to talk, but no one in this house will ever understand what I truly want and why.
I wanted to blurt it all to my friends, but at this times when we all didn't see each other, I thought back who were my real friends? Most are living their life and with their own sets of friends.
So, I kept quiet.

And to be really honest, I never felt smart enough in Science class. I didn't even do well in college! I should be able to! I tried so hard in every aspects of my life. Keeping my family happy, excelling in studies, losing weight. I tried so hard being everybody bestfriends and be friendly and patient but at the end nothing turns to be good. My parents quarrell everyday and my mum always said how annoying dad is to me most of the time until I grew disliking to my own dad. I sacrificed most of my time doing revisions and assignments yet my grades still levels as before. I never lose weight after 5 years of trying. No one sticks with me being even my closest friend that I can talk about anything. I'm tired of being nice.At last I gave up.

I'm so stressed out. I felt life was meaningless. Even think of hurting myself. For most of the days, I was a robot. I did every tasks and chores without thinking much. My head was blank. All I see was just a mere blank space. I'm so tired of responding to anything my mum said. I just kept quiet and I slept a lot. Seems like I'm angry but I tried to minimize my time with my parents since there were just 3 of us.

I didn't know when or how I rise slowly from my much dead condition. I seriously gave up everything that being nice before and start chasing my dreams. Using MY WAYS. I still pretty much dead now, all I can feel is hatred, sorrow and tiredness but one thing I'm sure is, I'm taking steps for making my soul happy. Eventually, I felt better. I'm looking forward to be in full self-confidence later.

So, the point is, it is important to do what will make your soul happy because you didn't know when you'll get enough and being miserable. Let it, making your first step to chase your dreams or doing something you absolutely enjoys.Think it through, picture it and don't let go! That's what I taught myself recently.And ALWAYS be true to yourself.

Cheers and Be Blessed!:)